Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. (Psalm 51:8)
I’m so glad I found these words from God in the random devotional I decided to read one recent morning. The enemy has made the past few weeks a struggle for my wife, Amy, and me. Despite us both being saved and living in the miracle God created in our life, there seemed to be more angst in our relationship lately than joy. This scripture was like a lifeline I needed.
It’s been 15 months since I confessed my sexual sins – a life-long addiction to pornography and sex – to Jesus and to Amy. Their forgiveness of me for my sins was the greatest gift I have ever received. It didn’t just change my life, it transformed it. Even though I am walking in victory over my conquered sexual sins, we’re still dealing with the repercussions and hurt from the evil I was responsible for bringing into our house.
Confessing my sins was actually the easy part. The hard part was still to come – trying to rebuild my marriage from the depths of hell.
The enemy is working hard to divide us
Our ongoing work to restore our marriage is a perfect opportunity for the enemy to come into our lives and to try and convince us that the fruits God is producing in our marriage are not real. When I first unmasked my sins and secret life to Amy, she immediately turned into a detective. She had a feeling that something was going on with me but never had any proof of my wrongdoing.
But armed with my confession, Amy would ask very deep and provocative questions about my actions. Initially, those Q&A sessions would be nightly and last for several hours on the back deck of our house. But as time went on, and she began to see the real change Jesus was making in my life, the questions slowly started to subside – going from a nightly activity to once every few months.
But the moment you let your guard down, the enemy creeps back in. The 4th of July weekend was the perfect example of this.
On Saturday the 3rd, we attend an awesome worship service at our church. I’m not one to get overly emotional at this kind of service but there was a moment that I truly could feel God’s presence in that church.
We got home and watched a few online sermons that filled our hearts up with more love and joy. To top it off, a new acquaintance texted me a picture of himself holding a brand new copy of my book that he purchased from Amazon. God was showing Himself to us in so many ways that night.
On Sunday the 4th, our sons came over to spend the holiday with us. As day turned to night, and the fireworks started to light up the dark sky, I couldn’t contain the joy that was filling my heart.
And then it happened. The enemy planted a seed of doubt in Amy’s head that said, “Are you sure you can trust Neil? How do you know he’s not still trapped in his sexual sin?” Before I even knew what happened, the night went from joy to angst. I can always tell when the enemy is toying with Amy. She becomes distant. She can’t look at me. And then the tears start to flow.
I’d like to say that when these moments happen, we always turn to God for strength and wisdom to guide us. But that’s not always the case and it leads us to stumble on our victory walk. On this night, Amy’s focus on the enemy’s words led to a tense conversation before bed that carried over to the next day.
For the next few weeks, it felt like our relationship was trending the wrong way. After making so much progress in transforming our marriage since I unmasked my sins, it seemed the enemy found a way to keep re-appearing the moment we tried to turn that trend around.
Regain your foothold and pray
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (Psalm 40: 1-2 NIV)
At what seemed like the lowest point for us in our recovery, another day full of tense conversations about the sins of my past, Amy finally found a way for us out of the darkness.
“Pray for me,” she said as she walked into my home office. Just like when she looked at me and said, “I forgive you,” when I first confessed my sins, these words sent the enemy running for cover and helped us regain solid footing in our marriage.
I immediately grabbed Amy’s hands and we prayed. We prayed for God to help us restore our joy in the midst of our trials. We prayed for strength and courage to ignore the words of the enemy. And we prayed for God to restore all of the marriages that are going through similar trials.
Once again, God delivered for us. Since that prayer, the enemy has been a no show in our life, leading to a new positive trend in our marriage.
We know the enemy will be back though. Probably sooner than we would like. But we also know we have the ultimate weapon to fight back – putting God and prayer at the center of our relationship.
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