Tag:

conflict

4 Tips To Better Address Sibling Rivalry And Foster Love

by Joanna Flavin July 15, 2020

written by Joanna Flavin

I have four siblings. Three amazing brothers and one precious sister. Our home growing up was exactly what you imagine: fun, loud, chaotic, competitive, and filled with laughter (or screaming depending on the day). There was truly never a dull moment, and with a lot of kids under one roof came a lot of different personalities. We had the comedian/class clown/mischiefmaker, the star athlete, the artist/creative mind, the perfect student, and the never-do-any-wrong baby of the family. And all these personalities brought a lot of competition and the age-old sibling rivalry.

Sibling Rivalry And Selfish Desires

I see it in my own little family on a daily basis as well. Just the other day, we were swimming at our local pool and my middle son was digging in the sand. My youngest really wanted to use the shovel that the middle was using and the middle was just not willing to give it up or share.

So, the youngest followed him around nagging him until the middle finally relented. But, instead of just handing over the shovel, the middle guy threw it as far away from the youngest as he could. He couldn’t just make it easy and give his baby brother what he wanted. He had to still hold some power over him and show him who was boss. Of course, I quietly reprimanded the middle guy and told him he needs to look out for the youngest. And throwing a toy far away from is not really honoring or loving him in the best way.

I think something sunk in because 30 minutes later when we were walking to the car, the youngest was shoeless. He was complaining that his feet were getting burned on the hot pavement. And the middle guy gave him his sandals right off his feet. Talk about selflessness, sacrifice, and love! I was very proud, and at that moment very much praised the middle guy for being such a loving, protective big brother. I am also not a fool and know there will be many more opportunities for sibling rivalry to persist on a daily basis. But all we can do at that moment is focus on the good, water it, and hope it grows into more positive sibling interactions.

5 Tips To Help Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is normal. As humans, especially before our brains have fully-developed, we only focus on ourselves. We want to get our way and are not always willing to comprise our desires or what we think is best for ourselves. Until we are in Heaven with Jesus, we will always battle with our selfish desires.

After reading this article from the Not Consumed blog, I wanted to share these 5 great tips for addressing sibling rivalry.

1. Don’t Negotiate The Blame Of Sibling Fighting

During a sibling fight over a toy or a TV remote, the two suspects are always going to try and place blame on another person. Kim, of “Not Consumed” says, “Do NOT allow them to do this. It’s an age-old trick from back in the day of the garden. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. The enemy has been using the blame game to lure us into sin and to destroy families for centuries. Don’t allow it.”

Instead, she advises asking each child what THEY could have done differently. Ask them if there was anything they did wrong in this situation and then focus on the question, “Is there anything they can do right now to solve the problem so it’s no longer an issue?” This encourages problem-solving and avoids always placing the blame on someone else. When a child learns to focus on the needs and desires of another person it fosters an empathetic mindset in their hearts.

2. Everyone Is Responsible For Sibling Fighting

“We must hold every child responsible for their part in the situation…” One kid might have hit back in self-defense because their sibling first hit them, but both are held responsible for handling the situation with violence instead of words. This is a big issue in our house. Boys tend to be more physical, especially during conflict resolution, and I have three boys. There is often a lot of hitting, wrestling, you name it when trying to resolve an issue. But if both (or more) kids were involved then both need to be addressed for joining in on the fight.

3. Sibling Fighting Can Be Avoided By Removing The Problem

This is something I have to do all the time. The boys are fighting over a toy? Nobody gets it. The toy finds a new home on top of the fridge. “The Bible says that if your hand is causing you to sin, you should cut it off.”, Kim says. Although I am not going to cut off anyone’s body parts, I can remove the item causing the fight. When kids realize that NOBODY is getting the toy while it has its very own time-out, they realize they are going to have to learn to compromise and share if they ever want to play with it at all.

4. A Firm Sharing Policy Stops Sibling Fighting

It is important to teach our kids that everything they are able to use belongs to the family, not just one person or child. Kim writes, “In fact, we don’t actually own ANYTHING. God does. If we are blessed enough to have possession it’s because God has already shared with us. How can we not share with others? We’ve been entrusted as the manager of this possession. We should teach our kids to be good stewards of that honor.”

God has blessed us with our toys, possessions, couches, cups, plates, blankets, TV remotes, etc. And we are called to share our gifts and blessings with others. When kids grow up and develop special interests of their own, they are allowed to have their own things but are still expected to share those things and gifts with those around them.

5. Space Helps Stop Sibling Fighting

If you are getting heated in an argument or annoyed by someone or something, walking away always helps you keep your cool. The same with kids. If you notice that two kids are just having a rough time in each other’s presence, sometimes a little space is all they need. When my oldest was getting really angry at his younger siblings for being in his space, I used to send him to his room to read for 10 minutes to cool off. It always helped. He would emerge when his time was up and express that he felt better.

These 5 tips are not exhaustive, nor will they work all the time, every time. But they are some guidelines that have worked for others, and hopefully, help put some structure in place for you and your family. And remember, perspective is always important. “This too shall pass…” Focus on encouraging the positive interactions and the moments they honor their siblings without being asked…praise them and watch their love for each other flourish.

July 15, 2020 0 comments

Faith

10 Tips for Overcoming Conflict in Your Relationships

by Edward Bush October 14, 2018

written by Edward Bush

Things would be way easier if life was perfect, but of course, it is not. In life, there will be challenges and obstacles on our journeys. One area that we will have some conflict is in our relationships. We can learn to get along after disagreements and continue to love each other when we have a different opinion.

Here are 10 Tips to help when there is conflict in the relationships.

1. Remember not to sweat the small stuff

Don’t get in the habit of making every little molehill a mountain. Agree not to make something a battle unless it is truly important. Understand that not every conflict needs to lead to a disagreement. Of course, this does not mean you should agree with everything your partners says, but take the time to question the level of importance of the matter at hand.

2. Practice acceptance

If you find yourself in the midst of strife, try to remember that the other person is coming into the situation with an entirely different background and a set of experiences than yourself. You have not been in this person’s shoes, and while it may help to try to put yourself in them, your partner is the only person who can really explain where he or she is coming from.

3. Exercise patience

For granted, it is hard to remember this in the heat of the moment. But, stopping to take a few deep breaths, and deciding to take a break and revisit the discussion when tensions are not as high can sometimes be the best way to deal with the immediate situation.

4. Lower your expectations

This is not to say you should have low expectations, but it is to say that you should keep in mind you may have different expectations. The most efficient way to go about this is to ask your partner what his/her expectations are in a particular situation. Don’t just assume that you come into the situation with the similar expectations. However, what if you are in the heat of strife and you do not seem to be doing anything other than polarizing each other.

5. Remember you both desire harmony

Most likely, you both want to get back on track and have a peaceful relationship. Also, remember the feeling of connecting that you want to feel. It is hard to feel threatened by someone when you see yourselves as interconnected and working towards the same result.

6. Focus on the behavior of the person

Not on their personal characteristics Personal attacks can be far more damaging and long-lasting. Talk about what behavior upset you instead of what is “wrong” with someone’s personality.

7. Clarify what the person meant by their action

Instead of what you perceived their action to mean. Most of the time, your partner is not deliberating trying to hurt you, and getting hurt happened to be an overflow of an underlying attitude or condition of the heart that caused of that action. It is always good to get some understanding when dealing with conflict.

8. Keep in mind your objective is to solve the problem

Rather than win the fight. Resist the urge to be contrary just for that reason. Remember that it is better to be happy than right!

9. Accept the other person’s response

Once you have shared your feelings as to what a person’s actions meant to you, accept their responses. If they tell you the intended meaning of their action was not as you received it, take that as face value.

10. Leave it in the past

Once you’ve both had the opportunity to share your side, mutually agree to let it go. Best case scenario, your discussion will end in a mutually satisfactory way. If it does not, you may choose to revisit it later. When making this decision, ask yourself how important it is to you. If you make the decision to leave it in the past, do your best to do that, rather than bringing it up again in future disagreements.
Conflict can be distressing. If you see it as an opportunity for growth, it can help you become closer and deepen your relationship.

October 14, 2018 0 comments

Faith

Helping Our Children Find Peace in the Middle of Conflict

by Marina Magdalena November 10, 2017

written by Marina Magdalena

Helping our children find peace in the middle of conflict

You know when your child has one of those moments, the ones where they seem to lose their heads and morph into an angry, unreasonable monster who hates their life and everything in it? We were having one of those moments. I am not sure what triggered it now, I imagine it was me repeatedly saying no to a request, or asking for some compliance, but whatever it was, my child was now screaming at me, about how I had ruined their entire day and that they absolutely knew I didn’t love them anymore. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, even the cat looks for somewhere to hide!

So I began to pull out all of the parenting tricks in my artillery; empathy, gentle voice, firm voice, touch, giving space, drawing close, reasoning – you name it, I did it! Eventually, I reached the end of myself. I looked at my beautiful child, their face stained with snot and tears and their eyes darting anxiously, and I whispered a little prayer, “Holy Spirit, how do I bring her back?”

I was desperate, the moment had completely floored me. I had barely finished whispering my prayer when in my mind’s eye I saw the cross with a pathway leading up to it, and a gentle voice inside me said, “Show them the pathway to peace”. It was a lightbulb moment, in a split second I understood just a fraction more of what God has done to restore his children. He didn’t just leave a few final thoughts on forgiveness or a cryptic trail for us to figure out – our heavenly father filled 66 books! The son of God became man and lived out an entire ministry, culminating in death and resurrection – and if that was not enough, the Holy Spirit resides in God’s children generation after generation, and why? Because ultimately, God wanted his children back home, restored to royalty and in his arms. He knew we would never figure this out by ourselves – he didn’t just leave clues, he spelled it out, lived it out and reveals it still today. If that is how God parents me, with a constant hand showing me the way back home, why should I offer my child any different?

So in an ideal world, I would tell you that we had this really tender, intimate moment – we didn’t, they were still yelling, and I knew that to be heard I would have to speak even louder. So I called across the room in my best Mary Poppins voice,“Sweetheart, any time you want this to end, say, “Cuddle,” and I am all yours!”

There was silence. We just stared at each other for a few seconds. And then a broken little voice muttered the words,“Cuddle”

And we did. There had been rudeness, anger, tantrums – and there would be time to address all of that. But right now, my kid was back, in the arms of their mum, just where they belonged.

The Mum Show airs on GOD TV on Mondays at 9pm. It is produced by the Promise Collective, founded by Marina Magdalena and features child therapist, Emma Browne and Life Church leader, Clare Hooper. Click to watch the Mum Show now on demand.

November 10, 2017 0 comments

Faith

Your Life is Like an Epic Novel: 7 Conflict Narratives That You’re Facing Everyday

by Karen Rosario Ingerslev March 24, 2017

written by Karen Rosario Ingerslev

Your Life is Like a Movie: Full of Conflict Narratives

There is a general consensus that every story ever told can be boiled down to one of a handful of basic plots. Arthur Quiller-Couch is credited with the identification of the Seven Types of Conflict Narratives : Man vs Man, Man vs Society, Man vs Self, Man vs Nature, Man vs God, Man & Woman, and Man in the Middle.

Here’s an example…

The story of Joseph is an epic saga, combining all seven of these narratives. His journey is fraught with betrayals and broken relationships (Man vs Man), and he finds himself at the mercy of a culture and system totally foreign to him (Man vs Society). No doubt many lonely days were spent in prison tormenting himself over what would become of him and whether his dreams had been mere delusion (Man vs Self). The forewarning of the Lord gives Joseph the victory over a famine (Man vs Nature) and he begins to forget his past trouble when the Lord brings him a wife (Man & Woman). Joseph is also the ultimate Man in the Middle, having no idea of the crucial role he was playing in human history. He may have believed that one day his brothers would be bowing down to him, and perhaps he entertained the odd daydream to keep his spirits up, but he probably never envisioned saving the whole of Israel, or being a type of the coming Christ. His story was and is so much bigger than what it would have appeared to be at the time.

However, of the seven plots, it is Man vs God which ultimately determines whether Joseph’s story is to end well. The same is true for us. We all, like Joseph, are subject to God, the Master Storyteller who is not only familiar with every known narrative, but is the one who created them in the first place.

We can’t direct our own flim…

Joseph will not fulfil his destiny without God. He may try— such as imploring the cupbearer to remember him so that he will get out of jail early. But God knows that if Joseph is released too soon then he would not be positioned (spiritually or physically) to rule over Egypt. As Lance Wallnau says, sometimes God says no to our prayers ‘because He knows we would settle for less than He planned.’ Though we may set Him up as our adversary, it is not God’s desire to crush us. It was never meant to be God vs Man. God has promised that all things work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). He knows how our story ought to unfold because He planned it before we were born (Psalm 139:16) and it is only with our cooperation that the eternal words spoken over us will come to pass. As R.T. Kendall says, when we truly believe that God has our life in His hands and is affected by what affects us, then we are ‘beginning to get free.’

Here’s the key…

It seems God takes delight in using the most unexpected series of events to accomplish His purposes.

In the midst of trial, Joseph’s life looked nothing like the prophetic word he had been given. This is often our reality too. Yet God is not afraid. Joseph’s story reads like a work of fiction, the details so precise and so unlikely that one could be forgiven for thinking it is all a little far fetched. As I look back over my own life, I am struck by how much of my life was set on course by what seemed at the time to be a hasty decision or a chance meeting or even a heart wrenching failure. At the very moment I feared God had got bored with my story, He was in fact spinning the most wonderful tale out of the tiniest threads, forever committed to His role as ‘author and perfecter’ of my faith . Like Joseph, I am holding onto prophetic words that are yet to come to pass and hope has been deferred many times. I have been tempted to believe that something must have gone wrong but Joseph’s story would suggest otherwise. It seems God takes delight in using the most unexpected series of events to accomplish His purposes. It has to be this way, because every great story must find its end in Him.

The Author has never changed…

Joseph’s story may appear more spectacular than most, but the author has not changed. God, the Master Storyteller, is never stuck for a good idea. Every human writer— whether they realise it or not— draws their inspiration from Him. And once Man vs God becomes Man & God, nothing in Heaven or Earth will prevent our life story from being a success. Like Joseph, we have no idea how the toughest challenges of our lives may be part of a bigger story for ‘the saving of many lives’ (Genesis 50:20). For God chose us before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4), and eagerly anticipated the role we would have in bringing His kingdom to Earth, if only we would cooperate and willingly tell Him, “Here I am … it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will” (Psalm 40:7).

March 24, 2017 0 comments

Faith

Husbands should be Selfless

by Vance K Jackson February 16, 2017

written by Vance K Jackson

Husbands should be Selfless

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”(Ephesians 5:21;25 KJV)

A Message to Husbands

Husbands, God has given you His daughter as His Gift. He has Graced you to lead and steward her heart in every area and storm of life. How you choose to handle her heart and lead her, is a direct reflection of your maturity and spiritual relationship with Christ. Through prayer God Himself pours out His wisdom and grants you the keys to unlock and steward His daughter’s heart. You have been given God ordained access to places where God allows you the opportunity to minister. God deeply cares about the success, development, and fruitfulness of your marriage. As Christ leads you, He grants intimate insight about His Daughter so that you can appropriately lead her through critical situations of life. The information He discloses, through your relationship with her, is invented to lead her as He instructs. The information that you receive is not to be used as conviction nor condemnation but rather it’s a time to apply God’s Grace, Patience, Temperance, and Love. Through prayer, God will grant you His wisdom to lead as He instructs. Your wife’s heart belongs to God first He’s using you as a tool to steward her heart accordingly. Your Prayer life is critical to the endurance of your marriage.

Your success or downfall, as a husband, is directly tied to your relationship and consistent prayer life.

Your success or downfall, as a husband, is directly tied to your relationship and consistent prayer life with God. He cares for you as His son and as a Husband to His daughter. As any good Father, He would not withhold any good gift from you. He gave you His daughter. It’s up to you to steward her well and nurture the ground of your marriage. Through your daily interactions, you have access to intimate intel on how to handle her appropriately. It’s with this insight that you learn how to gauge emotional landmines and potential triggers. It is with this delicate information that you’re privy to every facet of her behavior. It is this pertinent information that you’re able to lead the environment of your home with Godly care. It is through prayer where God gives revelation about your wife and the plans that He has for her. Lead her according to knowledge.

…selfless sacrifice will produce God’s reward in your marriage.

A selfless Husband prays for and with His wife continually. Selflessness requires sacrifice. With God’s direction, you have the opportunity to lead your wife from heaven’s perspective. With God’s help, you have His Grace to lead her with diligence, patience, and maturity. As you pray and lead her with care, God will continue to unfold her Purpose and Destiny to you. If you have not received a full revelation about your wife, simply ask God to reveal His plans for her. God created His Daughter and He knows every part of her. He will not leave you without instruction. God will grant you the insight and skillful wisdom to navigate your home as He leads. Your obedience and selfless sacrifice will produce God’s reward in your marriage.

When you allow your heart to be led by His Spirit, your actions will produce His fruit.

Your marriage is His ground to flourish. When you engage God, you will produce His results. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such, there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22, 23 KJV) When you allow your heart to be led by His Spirit, your actions will produce His fruit. When you choose to sacrifice your flesh and not respond out of your emotions, you’ll reflect His selfless Love. However, when you mismanage the ground of her heart, you open the doors of your marriage to the works of the flesh, “…which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Galatians 5:19-21 KJV) Opening the doors of your marriage to emotional mishandling and selfish acts diminish your character and credibility as a husband and it takes time to regain her trust. Her trust is priceless. Your selflessness and emotional sacrifice produce peace in the home, security in the marriage and safety with her heart. Guard your mouth. Watch your words. Lead her wisely.

Here are a few helpful tips that you can engage to lead her in peace:

Defuse The Situation

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1 KJV). Deflate the situation. If you don’t have an understanding of the situation, ask God to grant you the wisdom to understand the circumstance before tempers flair. Cast down your emotions and choose to put her heart first. Sow peace. Ask God to grant you insight on how to successfully navigate the situation. He is Peace. His solution is peace.

De-escalate

Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7 KJV) There’s your perspective, there’s your wife’s perspective and ultimately there’s God’s Answer. Submit to His Voice and follow Him. There are no winners in an argument. Every emotional battle drains the life, safety, and security in a marriage. Your “win” will cost you something more precious. Her trust.

Forgive Often

Most importantly, let forgiveness richly reign in your marriage. Forgive yourself. Forgive her. Forgive each other. Forgive freely. Forgive often.

Final Thoughts

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. (1 Peter 3:7 KJV)

This article was written by Vance Jackson who serves on the leadership team of Word of Life Christian Ministries in Detroit, MI. Vance is a successful businessman, speaker and writer and leads Bible studies on topics ranging from Marriage to Faith, Family, Business, Stewardship, Emotional Healing and Leadership.

February 16, 2017 1 comment