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Beyond The Bolted Door

We Are All Cracked Pots

by Corine Channell September 18, 2022

written by Corine Channell

It is eye opening really, when you realize finally and completely, that God was never asking you to serve Him without knowing exactly what He had to work with.

He wasn’t looking for perfection because, well – at the end of every day we are still gonna be human. Humans are NOT perfect. And yet, somehow – we expect ourselves and others to be just that. NOT possible. On my best day, with my best of intentions, and my ducks with their hair slicked back all in a row and standing in formation, I am still going to fall or fail or at the very least – flail.

I was thinking about myself today, thinking about how I wrote two books – telling my story and subsequent healing journey, and I STILL feel like my story is messy. STILL messy. I was wondering if I would ever NOT have a messy story.

THANKFUL FOR THE CRACKS

I think not. I mean, a pot that is broken and put back together, STILL has visible cracks. Ah. I still have visible cracks. I am NOT broken anymore – THAT is true, BUT I have the effects of having been a broken pot. From broken to cracked – from useless to useful – from ashes to beauty – from shattered to restored.

“Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use
So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars.” (“Scars” by I AM THEY)

HE PIECED ME BACK TOGETHER

So yes, I wrote two books about my healing. Yes, I have and AM still healing. And yes, I will always have visible cracks to remind myself of God’s redemption and putting me back together. You know – like Humpty Dumpty.

I think finally I am at peace with my own humanity. God asks us to come to Him as we are. It is the authentic and honest turn of our heart TO Him that He is looking for. And then, voila – He works THROUGH us.

A perfect God with a perfect plan, working through imperfect people – how perfectly imperfect. I get it. I can stop beating myself up now. I am SO okay with being just a crackpot. Because it is NOT about the pot or the cracks but ALL about the light shining out FROM those cracks. Romans 5:5 says, “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Stories are messy. Pots are cracked. And it is okay. Every story matters. Every pot carries light shining from – cracks. We become cracked pots full of God’s love shining forth.

#storiesaremessy #weareallcrackedpots #WeAllNeedJesus

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Why It Matters That We Are Set Free

by Corine Channell August 22, 2022

written by Corine Channell

During my years of sexual abuse I built a fortress around my heart. And then I moved in behind those steel walls, and there I camped. I had everything I needed. I felt safe there. Albeit a false sense of security – a security in bondage. Locked tight, behind my own bolted door.

We hear and quote the scripture – “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” But do we really embrace or WANT that freedom? It will mean you have to tear down your shelter and face whatever was on the outside that you have feared. If your worst fear was similar to a nuclear fallout, you must face it. And guess what. Unlike an actual nuclear explosion where you WOULD die from the exposure, you WON’T die from facing the fallout of your hidden truth. I thought I WOULD die many times in this healing journey – the consequences of my failures have been astounding and a few are off the charts, to the point I was sure God Himself could NOT fix them, as if I had knocked the earth off its orbit – MY earth, ME. But nope. The truth is the ONLY thing that sets you free.

And what matters most in the bigger picture is that you ARE set free. If you find it hard to do that for your own self, do it for those you love and for generations yet to come. THIS is why I wrote books on bolted doors – we must open them. We must. Bolted doors represent secrets, lies, cover ups, shame and a deafening silence.

WHY BE SET FREE?

I think Hebrews 11 is a good place to start to find the answer. There is a running list of many of those gone before us, who died in faith. Some of the descriptive words of these people were – Abel was righteous. Enoch pleased God. Noah moved with fear. Sarah judged God faithful to her. Jacob worshiped. Moses chose to suffer affliction. Rahab was kind to strangers.

And Abraham. Let us NOT forget Abraham. Hebrews 11:12 says this – “And so from this one man (Abraham), and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.” ( Whoa. Pretty sure I missed this verse till now. One man. Could be any one of us/all of us. “He as good as dead…” Wow. I bet we have ALL felt this way. But THEN from this ONE man – descendants…generations…us…

And the list goes on –

32 “And what shall I more say? for the time would fail me to tell of Gideon, and of Barak, and of Samson, and of Jephthae; of David also, and Samuel, and of the prophets:
33 Who through faith subdued kingdoms, wrought righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions.
34 Quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, waxed valiant in fight, turned to flight the armies of the aliens.
35 Women received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection:
36 And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment:
37 They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented;
38 (Of whom the world was NOT worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.
39 And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received NOT the promise:
40 God having provided some better thing for US, that they without us should not be made perfect.”
(they without us – think about that.)

EXCERPT FROM BEYOND THE BOLTED DOOR

“When we produced our documentary Shattered Silence we were privileged to interview many precious Veterans of war. One man whose story has always stood out to me, had been a POW for several years during the Vietnam War. He expressed that how he survived the loneliness, the boredom, the sameness, the isolation – was the knowledge that he had to get back home to his family. He said, “THAT was my responsibility in those days, as I saw it.” He survived his incredible hardship by simply taking responsibility for his OWN survival, for the sake of those he loved. Wow. Let that sink in. His mere existence WAS the fight. Even though he was imprisoned, he was still fighting; giving up was never going to be an option to him. Taking responsibility for ourselves just for the sake of those that we love is truly staggering.

With the U.S. Marine’s disciplined, dedicated and devoted mindset there is NO room for compromise, hesitancy or weakness – only the goal of achieving great purpose at great risk. What if we ALL could measure up to this high standard? “Marines don’t play nor do they practice; they train. They neutralize the threat; they don’t fight for things; they fight for each other. From all walks of life and all different backgrounds, the U.S. Marine’s job is to answer the call to combat, as one unified fighting force ready to fight, ready to die.” (Joe Wooley, Actor/ U.S. Marine/Ret.) I think we would all do well to have THIS solid Marine mentality about life in general. Giving up? NOT an option. Retreating? NOT an option. And certainly NOT a luxury afforded to us.

Can I just venture to say basically we need to toughen up! We need to press on. Hardcore! Radical! Committed! Diehard! If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl. If you can’t crawl, drag yourself – focused, weary, and bloody all the way to the end; all the way to the FINISH line. “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” (United States Marine Corps) We desperately NEED the Marine mentality, now more than ever before. We need to become AND see ourselves as someone who can NOT be weakened or shaken or destroyed! Too lofty of a goal? I think not.

No one prepares for a fight or a battle or a war five minutes prior to it – the preparation/the training, WAS the journey, no matter how that plays out individually – and in LIFE it is the culmination of ALL of life’s experiences that finally make us WHO were meant to be. The goal is not for life to destroy us, but to make us STRONGER, to make us UNSHAKEABLE. Unshakeable by definition is: “Too strong to be changed, weakened, or destroyed.” THIS is the kind of strength that ONLY comes from God, as He readies us for all the challenges of this life so that we can help ready others. There is NO greater feeling in the world than to feel READY. And to realize that GOD is the one who will empower you with HIS strength, is a win-win. It is essential to be fighting on the right side. “Be strong and courageous. Do NOT be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV) With God on our side, we are immovable, unstoppable, and unshakeable.

In the last mile, you finally understand the WHY’S! Looking back over my life I am grateful for the pain and the losses and the failures and even the effects of abuse (notice I did NOT say I am thankful for the abuse itself) – because NOW I am the warrior I wanted to be. NOW I am strong. NOW I can fight. Now I get to write a different ending to my story.“

LEAVE A LEGACY, GET SET FREE

My mother was a missionary to India at age 69 for the next 20 years of her life. She wrote a book titled It’s Never Too Late With God/ Funny, I just realized how much our messages are just the same. She died at age 93, having written a different ending to her story, and having left a powerful legacy.

In essence, why does it matter that we become free? Because being set free is our responsibility. No matter what age. We need to be set free in order to leave a Godly crumb trail for those who come behind us, and to finish the stories of those who have gone ahead of us. And one more time – “God having provided some better thing for US, that they without us should not be made perfect.

This IS us. THIS is why it matters that we are set free. None of our stories are finished until ALL of our stories are finished. It’s time to be set free.

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Beyond The Bolted Door

by Corine Channell February 14, 2022

written by Corine Channell

Whether you are a survivor of sexual abuse or you are still fighting your way out, the first thing you need to know is that YOU are NOT alone. There is life beyond the bolted door.

THE BOLTED DOOR

In my first published paperback book, Beyond The Bolted Door, I am sharing MY story in hopes that you will find the courage to tell YOUR story and to break through the bolted doors in your life.

There are SO many others throughout history who have stood frozen with terror at a door slammed and bolted shut in their face. This door represents secrets, shame, guilt, lies, pain, cover-ups, and devastation.

It took me 50 years to speak up on my own behalf, to finally see my own value and worth. I see my story as one of hope and survival but also a cautionary tale – where I beseech you to NOT wait as long as I did to defend yourself or tell your story or even be your OWN hero!

BOOKENDS OF LIFE

Beginnings and endings are the bookends to every life story. And the journey itself IS the chapters in between. We ALL have a story to tell. No one should ever carry the weight of a secret burden that crushes their soul and cripples their journey.

No one should ever feel their story is not worth telling or not worth hearing. Ironically, it is facing the truth of your painful story that sets you free FROM it. “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

PAIN TO PURPOSE

My pain has transformed into a work of art now on display; light shines out from my broken places like sparkling glittery diamonds. My purpose has exploded in beautiful words of HOPE laughing in the face of darkness.

I no longer feel like the misplaced puzzle piece – NOW I FINALLY see my place and it is a perfect fit. My cocoon is long gone. I know WHO I am and where I belong. My healed heart beats for the abused, for the broken, the lost, the forgotten, the angry, the rejected, the misunderstood, the captive, the ones who feel hopeless and that life is not worth living – my heart beats for YOU. YOU are my WHY.

At the very least I hope to point you in the right direction of how to turn your pain into purpose, by sharing MY story – understanding that your story is YOUR journey, and will be deeply personal (and unique) to you in its unfolding and resolve. BUT God has set eternity in the human heart therefore we are eternal beings. Remember that. So, THIS life with all of its pains is NOT all there is. It is just our earthly journey, and our stories will live on long after we are gone. And THAT is really, the whole point to life; to find the purpose buried deep in the pain and to be awakened to our true value.

LEAVE A LEGACY OF HOPE

We all hope to leave behind something of worth that can not be silenced or shaken. So, in essence (which is THE most important element of something) we get to leave behind – ourselves, in story form. Our stories may have been silenced or suppressed, but as we together begin to rise up, the sound will be a mighty cry of triumph that will echo down through the ages.

COMING FORTH AS PURE GOLD

The strength of character and the fortitude of an unshakable faith is built into us IN the deep, dark trenches! Remember the word there – IN! When we are tried IN the furnace of affliction, we shall come forth as pure gold.

In conclusion, I get it! If we have been healed and changed, then it should be visible as a testament to God’s power made manifest IN and THROUGH us. Like the blind man who got back his sight and proclaimed, “I was blind but NOW I see!” I would assume that after being blind you would WANT everyone to know! Finally, once all the scales are off your eyes, you can NOW proceed with glorious intention and purpose to leave behind a lasting legacy that will endure and will remain.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

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The Road Beyond My Own Bolted Door: Healing From Pain

by Corine Channell May 24, 2021

written by Corine Channell

When my first book BEYOND THE BOLTED DOOR came out a month ago, I was so not prepared for the vast range of emotions I would have. I have gone from someone in pain who held back tears for years, to someone who cries every other 10 minutes! I hide within the confines of long naps. It feels like all those hidden, bottled up emotions were locked in an old wine bottle, stored in a dark, dusty cellar until that day when the 50 year old corkscrew flew off. I spilled out everywhere! THAT is the best way I have found yet to describe how I currently feel.

JOURNEY TO HEALING

I went through all that journey of backtracking into the cesspool of my hidden past, dealing with its ugliness, shame and effects on my life – it was too much of too much but I did it. I felt like I had to, to break it from being a curse that would come down through the generations of those I love the most. Now, it is done. I did it. And I am exhausted to the core of my soul. I have no more words. I have no smiles. I have no inspiration. I have no joy. I could sleep for days, weeks, months. So, now what. Well, I have learned that AFTER you heal from anything, you need therapy. After my knee replacements, physical therapy was a ‘have to’ in my healing. WHY would I think I could face my demons head on, slay them, and then just walk away like I hadn’t just battled for my life?

There Will Be Pain

When I had double knee replacement, they beat my old knees into smithereens – which means, they destroyed them. All the arthritis, all the decay, all the lameness, all the broken and fractured parts of both of my entire knees. I am SO glad I was NOT awake to witness that.
One week later, I ran in a 5K with my new knees and I won, as I outran every other runner – all 246 of them.
Kidding.
Of course.
I still have not run in a 5K.

Point being, I was in excruciating pain. I needed help. I needed physical therapy. I needed to do the same routine day after day, month after month of lifting my knees up and making them bend. It took a long time, not gonna lie. But little by little, my new knees made me feel like I was bionic; reborn even – like I had my teen knees back!

You know where I am going with this.

RECOVERY THERAPY

A dear friend said something so ridiculously simple to me as I tried to put my feelings into words to her – she said, “You need recovery therapy.” In writing my book, I did NOT realize that the road beyond my own bolted door would be unrecognizable to me. Our lives are governed by roads. Roads are pathways. They take us places. Simple concept, right? Except when we all of a sudden realize we are lost, and we have no idea which road is the right one. What if you spend your whole life backtracking to find the right road you should be on, or a detour you missed, or a new road that you never considered taking?

When you decide to get help for yourself, for whatever issue you have – whether physical or mental, it first comes with an admission that something is wrong – something is off. Then comes that stage of denial – I know something is wrong, but do I really want to know what it is. Do I really want to go through what will need to be done to get answers? Is the pain of healing really worth knowing the truth, no matter how dark and deep and terrible? We avoid truth because truth hurts. and it requires change. and it is out of our comfort zone. I mean, really – who says, bring on the pain!

Healing Is Painful

Healing is painful. Hear me. In fact, let me say it again – healing is painful. Anyone recovering from a surgery knows what I am talking about. Yes, you have new knees. Yes, your bone has been reset. Yes, you beat Covid. But there is an aftermath. And really, it is initially why we wait so long before we go see a doctor or get a diagnosis or start treatment. We KNOW it will change everything and we KNOW it will be painful. It seems easier to cover our eyes and ears and pretend everything is okay.

I was not prepared to heal from my shame and the burden of a secret carried for so long, and reappear as a stranger. Assuming, I thought I would know WHO I was when I ran into myself again. I really, really expected this. And THIS is NOT what happened. And THIS is why I have so much more to heal from, so I can share it with you. God has truly held me together and if there was ANY good in me to be seen or partaken of, well – it was only Him IN me. Somehow in all my dysfunction and PTSD and fear and shame, my ‘core being’ grabbed onto God and wouldn’t let go – or, He grabbed on to me and wouldn’t let ME go – or both! “I will cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose in me.” (Psalm 57:2)

PAIN TO PURPOSE

I can see now though something I never considered. We have to be spilled out for God to use us! If I never tell my story, then I never can comfort someone who feels alone in their story. If I don’t let myself feel all the feels, where will empathy for others’ pain be born? Maybe this is where I begin to live out the words I spoke in faith, while I was facing my spill. “You will do everything you have promised; LORD, Your love is eternal. Complete the work that You have begun.” (Psalm 138:8)

For all of us facing any truth of a painful secret or a hidden burden, it is much like having a surgery. It is a Soul Replacement Surgery, done by Doctor Jesus (who, by the way, never leaves random tools behind or charges too much or forgets to check on your progress.) The truth WILL set you free. And it will hurt while you heal. But, you did it. May all the shame and blame and pain RIP as you get your life back, piece by piece, little by little, step by step. Beyond The Bolted Door

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) I have learned I can trust God with my heart and with the road I am traveling on beyond my own bolted door.